In past blogs I've been angry and very righteous. I have discussed how I feel about the world, admittedly I didn't think much of it through, and I also have talked about people I care about.
For awhile Night was a topic of my blog, this is because it was so important to what we were learning and it made me think about a humans psychology a lot. Night seemed to be so powerful and so important to history, it is said that we are taught about genocide so that we never repeat it, but we have repeated it, over and over.
In the beginning I wrote what was assigned. Not much thought was put in it and I just wrote was expected, I did write some things that were important to me, such as my response to Just Kidding a and my trip to Ashland. These posts happened right before I got angry, in class we were supposed to respond to a girl about her thoughts on fashion and that got it started. Then became my reign of righteous, my thoughts were very crude and not thought out.
I started to notice how much things have changed. I'm realizing how much I hate having a blog. I feel like it is good to express one's self through writing, but I personally feel like all the wrong people are reading my blog. I know that I direct some of my writing to some people, but I know they can't read it. Then someone who doesn't know me reads it and takes it completely different than it is. I'm not sure how I would feel comfortable with blogging. If I could, I would be up front and dedicate my pieces to the person it is directed for, but I can. Usually it's about something illegal, wrong, they can get put in an institution, or it's just plain embarrassing. I wouldn't expose someone like that. If the person I wrote about reads the material they will know it's about them, but that is hardly ever the case.
They way I support myself through blogging is how I saw what is on my mind, but sensored. Like I'm going to do right now. All I want is to cry right now, but if I do the tears will be wasted. People keep doing what they do and they don't care who they hurt. It's just a fact of human nature, and growing older I see this more and more. I don't understand how someone can say, "I love you" and mean it, but actually has no love. This has repeatedly happened. Love is such a stupid concept. Some of the many definitions of love is: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person,a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend, sexual passion or desire,a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. So this covers most love we have been exposed to. Plato once said that humans were created with two arms, two legs, and two faces. When Zuse felt threatened he cut of one of the faces so humans would spend eternity looking for their other half. Plato never mentioned where Zuse placed this "other half". Did he destroy it or simply place it somewhere else? Even if love is found it only takes one moment to lose it. One moment out of millions. What if that other half was the one you were searching for? What if your other half was searching for someone else? What if your other half doesn't love or want to love you back. I don't understand why people continue to love if all it does is hurt in the end. Granted there are good times that make you feel on top of the world, and it is expected to fall in and out of love many many times in life, but if that love you feel is gone, there is just an empty space. Whether this was someone that died, a romantic partner, a parent, a friend, a spouse, family. It could be anyone, and it doesn't stop the hurt. It seems that if someone doesn't physically see your pain they don't see it at all.
I surprised myself with how much of myself I show. I am usually a enigma, no one actually knows anything. For some reason this doesn't apply anymore and it scares me. I don't want people knowing me or what goes on with me. I especially don't want people to know what I care about, because then they know how to hurt me. I feel like this is the greatest power anyone can have on another. This is how you determine real people from the fake ones. I've also realized how with blogging and the tenth grade curriculum how angry I am at people in general. I strongly dislike how we treat each other. There is absolutely no love between anyone. How the hell can anyone be so cold hearted? It seems every one in the world has this instinct to constantly look for love, crave it, go to great extents to get it, bitch about having it, and cry and hate when it's gone. It is a cycle repeated every day.
Overall I've come to realize how confused about love I am. I don't believe in it, yet I'm in it. I've only seen one example of true love and death departed them. I thought I saw ever lasting love until the man left. I see people hating each other but staying together because they have to. I see people loving each other but can't show it for one reason or another. I've see true love diminished by drugs over and over and over again. This is another reason I hate drugs, if you love at all, how can you put them trough this. On another day I'll feel love, in another life I'll believe in it, until then I'm afraid to.
Please don't respond this, no offense, I just don't want to know what you think of how I feel.
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