Just a Day

I can feel my life unraveling and it's the strangest sensation I have ever experienced. I am probably just hormonal, but I can't help feeling that I have stopped having the power to control my life.

First of all, family drama is the worst out there. This is because you can never escape it. It's always there and there is nothing you can do about it. Everyone tells you "It's not you fault." That only makes me believe it is, the thought wasn't even in my mind until someone placed it there. I once heard a quote from the movie Fame:
"My theory is that when parents get divorced they’re given some kind of a handout
When my parents were splitting they told me 3 things
1. It’s not your fault
2. It’s not your fault and
3. It’s not your fault.
The problem is I don’t buy it. No kid does. I’ve seen the pictures of when you got married, when you were goodlooking and you smiled at each other, hell when you even just looked at each other so what happened between then and now? ME
I came along and I made you tired and cranky and anxious and I made you lose your hair and gain 20 extra pounds and somewhere in all of that you stopped loving each other.
So I have my own idea for a handout. Next time tell me
1. Happiness is hard
2. Don’t make the same mistakes that we did
And 3. Ok so maybe it is your fault a little
You want me to be honest, you go first"

Who ever wrote this poem couldn’t be more right, except for the fact there is no hand out, how could there possibly be a handout for life and even if there was, do you actually think many people would read it? I know for a fact I wouldn't. The second thing they got wrong is number three. If I was never created I honestly doubt you hate each other as much as you do. I know I have been a handful ever since I was born. I was loud, energetic, crazy, exuberant, a major trouble maker, everything a toddler should be, I just didn’t grow out of it. I did mature and gain responsibility that comes with age but I stayed a trouble maker. I was really good at being bad.

Thats another thing that is making me crazy. Drugs. Why do people do them? If they claim to be happy then why would they do it? Drugs destroyed me and my body took the toll. I do admit it was hard to realize how skinny I was because of how short I am, but I recently found out that I was the size of an anorexic person. I wouldn't eat for days, I was an athlete so it made advancing in ballet much harder. I'm so scared that the people I love who continued doing drugs will turn into who I was, or have it take over their lives. I really love all the people I chose to have any type of relationship with, and anything that is socially considered bad that they do worries me. I understand that I have very strong feeling about this topic that I suppress because I want them to stop on their own time and not stop because I asked them to. I do this so they will have their own reasons, not mine. But thats what I worry about at the end of the day, that I could have stopped them and I didn't and their life is worse for it.

You'll get trough this, then you can forget the past and look towards the future. I hate this phrase so much it's ridiculous. I admit it is a good way to look at things, but it is so annoying to hear. Looking past your current problems, forgetting them and looking towards a brighter future is near impossible. How can one escape their past? Thats how they became the person they are today and if it was rocky, there is just no way anyone could forget it.

I know someday things will be all right and hopefully my family drama will die down and the people I love will stop harming themselves. I know this wont be anytime soon, but I need to make it through on my own terms and just take my days moment by moment so I can bare them. Knowing that each bad day is followed by a better one is a comfort.