In past blogs I've been angry and very righteous. I have discussed how I feel about the world, admittedly I didn't think much of it through, and I also have talked about people I care about.
For awhile Night was a topic of my blog, this is because it was so important to what we were learning and it made me think about a humans psychology a lot. Night seemed to be so powerful and so important to history, it is said that we are taught about genocide so that we never repeat it, but we have repeated it, over and over.
In the beginning I wrote what was assigned. Not much thought was put in it and I just wrote was expected, I did write some things that were important to me, such as my response to Just Kidding a and my trip to Ashland. These posts happened right before I got angry, in class we were supposed to respond to a girl about her thoughts on fashion and that got it started. Then became my reign of righteous, my thoughts were very crude and not thought out.
I started to notice how much things have changed. I'm realizing how much I hate having a blog. I feel like it is good to express one's self through writing, but I personally feel like all the wrong people are reading my blog. I know that I direct some of my writing to some people, but I know they can't read it. Then someone who doesn't know me reads it and takes it completely different than it is. I'm not sure how I would feel comfortable with blogging. If I could, I would be up front and dedicate my pieces to the person it is directed for, but I can. Usually it's about something illegal, wrong, they can get put in an institution, or it's just plain embarrassing. I wouldn't expose someone like that. If the person I wrote about reads the material they will know it's about them, but that is hardly ever the case.
They way I support myself through blogging is how I saw what is on my mind, but sensored. Like I'm going to do right now. All I want is to cry right now, but if I do the tears will be wasted. People keep doing what they do and they don't care who they hurt. It's just a fact of human nature, and growing older I see this more and more. I don't understand how someone can say, "I love you" and mean it, but actually has no love. This has repeatedly happened. Love is such a stupid concept. Some of the many definitions of love is: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person,a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend, sexual passion or desire,a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. So this covers most love we have been exposed to. Plato once said that humans were created with two arms, two legs, and two faces. When Zuse felt threatened he cut of one of the faces so humans would spend eternity looking for their other half. Plato never mentioned where Zuse placed this "other half". Did he destroy it or simply place it somewhere else? Even if love is found it only takes one moment to lose it. One moment out of millions. What if that other half was the one you were searching for? What if your other half was searching for someone else? What if your other half doesn't love or want to love you back. I don't understand why people continue to love if all it does is hurt in the end. Granted there are good times that make you feel on top of the world, and it is expected to fall in and out of love many many times in life, but if that love you feel is gone, there is just an empty space. Whether this was someone that died, a romantic partner, a parent, a friend, a spouse, family. It could be anyone, and it doesn't stop the hurt. It seems that if someone doesn't physically see your pain they don't see it at all.
I surprised myself with how much of myself I show. I am usually a enigma, no one actually knows anything. For some reason this doesn't apply anymore and it scares me. I don't want people knowing me or what goes on with me. I especially don't want people to know what I care about, because then they know how to hurt me. I feel like this is the greatest power anyone can have on another. This is how you determine real people from the fake ones. I've also realized how with blogging and the tenth grade curriculum how angry I am at people in general. I strongly dislike how we treat each other. There is absolutely no love between anyone. How the hell can anyone be so cold hearted? It seems every one in the world has this instinct to constantly look for love, crave it, go to great extents to get it, bitch about having it, and cry and hate when it's gone. It is a cycle repeated every day.
Overall I've come to realize how confused about love I am. I don't believe in it, yet I'm in it. I've only seen one example of true love and death departed them. I thought I saw ever lasting love until the man left. I see people hating each other but staying together because they have to. I see people loving each other but can't show it for one reason or another. I've see true love diminished by drugs over and over and over again. This is another reason I hate drugs, if you love at all, how can you put them trough this. On another day I'll feel love, in another life I'll believe in it, until then I'm afraid to.
Please don't respond this, no offense, I just don't want to know what you think of how I feel.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Night
The central conflict of Night was when Elie has his character set against himself. He was faced with many hardships he was forced to over come for survival.
On the first night Elie and his family entered the internment camp he saw many people he knew getting burned alive. He witnessed friends, parents, and all the innocent burning to death for a reason that Elie only vaguely understood. This was his first experience loss in religion, this greatly changed him, before his faith demolished he was very interested in learning more about Judaism. Unfortunately he was not the only one to have this reaction. Elie observed others in the crematory and stated, "Someone began to recite the Kaddish, the prayer for the dead. I do not know if it has ever happened before, in the long history of Jews, that people have ever recited the prayer for the dead themselves." (31) I believe that Elie still concealed some of his faith deep with in, even after he saw the horrors personally. When he was only seven steps away from the fire he embraced death. He offered to electrocute himself so his Father wouldn't have to see him burn. After he was released he shared, "Never shall I forget those flames which consumed my faith forever" (32) I never found any evidence if Elie reclaimed his faith or not.
One unexpected high point in the story was when he met a woman. He never said if they had romantic relations but she instilled hope in him. After an intense, unneeded beating a woman Elie took notice in perviously came over to comfort him. She was thought to speek French but in perfect German she gave him words of hope and wisdom, "Bite your lip, little brother....don't cry. Keep your anger and hatred for another day, for later on. The day will come, but not now...Wait. Grit your teeth and wait..."(51) This was all it took, a few kind words. Later in his life Elie found her once again. He was in France and he saw her. "Facing me was a very beautiful woman with black hair and dreamy eyes. I had seen those eyes somewhere. It was she." (51) Though their correspondence in the book was brief I believe she had a large impact on Elie, especially if he remembered her after so many years.
After so much hardship Elie had to endure all he had was his Father. After weeks of sickness he finally was taken away from Elie forever. "I awoke January 29th at dawn. In my Father's place lay another invalid. They must have taken him away before dawn and carried him to the crematory. He may have still breathing." (106) Elie had no idea if his Father was murdered by being burned alive or simply cremated. This shows yet another example of how the Nazi's took everything Elie had, including his entire family, he clothes, his golden crown (for his tooth), his valuables, his shoes, and the man who gave him life.
After the internment camp was liberated he was hospitalized for food poising. He realized it had been years since he saw his face in a reflection. After he found one he saw a corpse staring back at him, "The look in his eyes, as they stared into mine, have never left me".
On the first night Elie and his family entered the internment camp he saw many people he knew getting burned alive. He witnessed friends, parents, and all the innocent burning to death for a reason that Elie only vaguely understood. This was his first experience loss in religion, this greatly changed him, before his faith demolished he was very interested in learning more about Judaism. Unfortunately he was not the only one to have this reaction. Elie observed others in the crematory and stated, "Someone began to recite the Kaddish, the prayer for the dead. I do not know if it has ever happened before, in the long history of Jews, that people have ever recited the prayer for the dead themselves." (31) I believe that Elie still concealed some of his faith deep with in, even after he saw the horrors personally. When he was only seven steps away from the fire he embraced death. He offered to electrocute himself so his Father wouldn't have to see him burn. After he was released he shared, "Never shall I forget those flames which consumed my faith forever" (32) I never found any evidence if Elie reclaimed his faith or not.
One unexpected high point in the story was when he met a woman. He never said if they had romantic relations but she instilled hope in him. After an intense, unneeded beating a woman Elie took notice in perviously came over to comfort him. She was thought to speek French but in perfect German she gave him words of hope and wisdom, "Bite your lip, little brother....don't cry. Keep your anger and hatred for another day, for later on. The day will come, but not now...Wait. Grit your teeth and wait..."(51) This was all it took, a few kind words. Later in his life Elie found her once again. He was in France and he saw her. "Facing me was a very beautiful woman with black hair and dreamy eyes. I had seen those eyes somewhere. It was she." (51) Though their correspondence in the book was brief I believe she had a large impact on Elie, especially if he remembered her after so many years.
After so much hardship Elie had to endure all he had was his Father. After weeks of sickness he finally was taken away from Elie forever. "I awoke January 29th at dawn. In my Father's place lay another invalid. They must have taken him away before dawn and carried him to the crematory. He may have still breathing." (106) Elie had no idea if his Father was murdered by being burned alive or simply cremated. This shows yet another example of how the Nazi's took everything Elie had, including his entire family, he clothes, his golden crown (for his tooth), his valuables, his shoes, and the man who gave him life.
After the internment camp was liberated he was hospitalized for food poising. He realized it had been years since he saw his face in a reflection. After he found one he saw a corpse staring back at him, "The look in his eyes, as they stared into mine, have never left me".
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Response to "Night"
This is one of the most amazing books I have ever read. So far Elie has lost himself and his religion. Watching all the cruelties of the Gastapo and SS have forced a soulless body to become the boy once known as Elie to become prisoner A-7713. Throughout the book Elie has been left alone, even with his Father still near him, he feels hatred to his Father when he is attacked and beaten. He feels that his Father should have been smarter and avoided getting beat. I think his Father's beating had this effect because his Father was the only thing Elie had left, he had even lost a golden crowned tooth. Watching the only possession he had left get destroyed by crippling blows from an iron pipe.
Elie experience a friend's character change drastically. His friend Beadle, at first he was a stereotypical "class-clown" kind of person, but after the Nazis took him he changed. He and other deportees were told to dig a large hole, not to many questioned what was the motive for this job. After doing so they got in a line and prepared themselves to die. The men, women, and children were slaughtered in the same brutal fashion, the only exception were babies, they were used as shot targets. The only way Beadle survived was because he was only wounded in his leg, but he still had to fall in the pit of bodies and fake death. When he told stories of this the town thought he went mad because no one could be this inhumane. Sadly they were wrong, the Gastapo came a few weeks after Beadles escape.
Another experience Elie encounters is his loss in faith. In the beginning chapter he wants to go forth in a religious life but as soon as he saw the crematories and his friends and friends children get cremated he lost all hope in God. After a hanging with two adults and one little boy that everyone loved, known to Elie as and angel-faced boy, he hears a man behind him ask, "Where is God now?" and Elie mentally responds, "Where is he? Here he is--He is hanging here on this gallows..." This is when I feel Elie had lost all relationship with a higher power.
Elie experience a friend's character change drastically. His friend Beadle, at first he was a stereotypical "class-clown" kind of person, but after the Nazis took him he changed. He and other deportees were told to dig a large hole, not to many questioned what was the motive for this job. After doing so they got in a line and prepared themselves to die. The men, women, and children were slaughtered in the same brutal fashion, the only exception were babies, they were used as shot targets. The only way Beadle survived was because he was only wounded in his leg, but he still had to fall in the pit of bodies and fake death. When he told stories of this the town thought he went mad because no one could be this inhumane. Sadly they were wrong, the Gastapo came a few weeks after Beadles escape.
Another experience Elie encounters is his loss in faith. In the beginning chapter he wants to go forth in a religious life but as soon as he saw the crematories and his friends and friends children get cremated he lost all hope in God. After a hanging with two adults and one little boy that everyone loved, known to Elie as and angel-faced boy, he hears a man behind him ask, "Where is God now?" and Elie mentally responds, "Where is he? Here he is--He is hanging here on this gallows..." This is when I feel Elie had lost all relationship with a higher power.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Just a Day
I can feel my life unraveling and it's the strangest sensation I have ever experienced. I am probably just hormonal, but I can't help feeling that I have stopped having the power to control my life.
First of all, family drama is the worst out there. This is because you can never escape it. It's always there and there is nothing you can do about it. Everyone tells you "It's not you fault." That only makes me believe it is, the thought wasn't even in my mind until someone placed it there. I once heard a quote from the movie Fame:
"My theory is that when parents get divorced they’re given some kind of a handout
When my parents were splitting they told me 3 things
1. It’s not your fault
2. It’s not your fault and
3. It’s not your fault.
The problem is I don’t buy it. No kid does. I’ve seen the pictures of when you got married, when you were goodlooking and you smiled at each other, hell when you even just looked at each other so what happened between then and now? ME
I came along and I made you tired and cranky and anxious and I made you lose your hair and gain 20 extra pounds and somewhere in all of that you stopped loving each other.
So I have my own idea for a handout. Next time tell me
1. Happiness is hard
2. Don’t make the same mistakes that we did
And 3. Ok so maybe it is your fault a little
You want me to be honest, you go first"
Who ever wrote this poem couldn’t be more right, except for the fact there is no hand out, how could there possibly be a handout for life and even if there was, do you actually think many people would read it? I know for a fact I wouldn't. The second thing they got wrong is number three. If I was never created I honestly doubt you hate each other as much as you do. I know I have been a handful ever since I was born. I was loud, energetic, crazy, exuberant, a major trouble maker, everything a toddler should be, I just didn’t grow out of it. I did mature and gain responsibility that comes with age but I stayed a trouble maker. I was really good at being bad.
Thats another thing that is making me crazy. Drugs. Why do people do them? If they claim to be happy then why would they do it? Drugs destroyed me and my body took the toll. I do admit it was hard to realize how skinny I was because of how short I am, but I recently found out that I was the size of an anorexic person. I wouldn't eat for days, I was an athlete so it made advancing in ballet much harder. I'm so scared that the people I love who continued doing drugs will turn into who I was, or have it take over their lives. I really love all the people I chose to have any type of relationship with, and anything that is socially considered bad that they do worries me. I understand that I have very strong feeling about this topic that I suppress because I want them to stop on their own time and not stop because I asked them to. I do this so they will have their own reasons, not mine. But thats what I worry about at the end of the day, that I could have stopped them and I didn't and their life is worse for it.
You'll get trough this, then you can forget the past and look towards the future. I hate this phrase so much it's ridiculous. I admit it is a good way to look at things, but it is so annoying to hear. Looking past your current problems, forgetting them and looking towards a brighter future is near impossible. How can one escape their past? Thats how they became the person they are today and if it was rocky, there is just no way anyone could forget it.
I know someday things will be all right and hopefully my family drama will die down and the people I love will stop harming themselves. I know this wont be anytime soon, but I need to make it through on my own terms and just take my days moment by moment so I can bare them. Knowing that each bad day is followed by a better one is a comfort.
First of all, family drama is the worst out there. This is because you can never escape it. It's always there and there is nothing you can do about it. Everyone tells you "It's not you fault." That only makes me believe it is, the thought wasn't even in my mind until someone placed it there. I once heard a quote from the movie Fame:
"My theory is that when parents get divorced they’re given some kind of a handout
When my parents were splitting they told me 3 things
1. It’s not your fault
2. It’s not your fault and
3. It’s not your fault.
The problem is I don’t buy it. No kid does. I’ve seen the pictures of when you got married, when you were goodlooking and you smiled at each other, hell when you even just looked at each other so what happened between then and now? ME
I came along and I made you tired and cranky and anxious and I made you lose your hair and gain 20 extra pounds and somewhere in all of that you stopped loving each other.
So I have my own idea for a handout. Next time tell me
1. Happiness is hard
2. Don’t make the same mistakes that we did
And 3. Ok so maybe it is your fault a little
You want me to be honest, you go first"
Who ever wrote this poem couldn’t be more right, except for the fact there is no hand out, how could there possibly be a handout for life and even if there was, do you actually think many people would read it? I know for a fact I wouldn't. The second thing they got wrong is number three. If I was never created I honestly doubt you hate each other as much as you do. I know I have been a handful ever since I was born. I was loud, energetic, crazy, exuberant, a major trouble maker, everything a toddler should be, I just didn’t grow out of it. I did mature and gain responsibility that comes with age but I stayed a trouble maker. I was really good at being bad.
Thats another thing that is making me crazy. Drugs. Why do people do them? If they claim to be happy then why would they do it? Drugs destroyed me and my body took the toll. I do admit it was hard to realize how skinny I was because of how short I am, but I recently found out that I was the size of an anorexic person. I wouldn't eat for days, I was an athlete so it made advancing in ballet much harder. I'm so scared that the people I love who continued doing drugs will turn into who I was, or have it take over their lives. I really love all the people I chose to have any type of relationship with, and anything that is socially considered bad that they do worries me. I understand that I have very strong feeling about this topic that I suppress because I want them to stop on their own time and not stop because I asked them to. I do this so they will have their own reasons, not mine. But thats what I worry about at the end of the day, that I could have stopped them and I didn't and their life is worse for it.
You'll get trough this, then you can forget the past and look towards the future. I hate this phrase so much it's ridiculous. I admit it is a good way to look at things, but it is so annoying to hear. Looking past your current problems, forgetting them and looking towards a brighter future is near impossible. How can one escape their past? Thats how they became the person they are today and if it was rocky, there is just no way anyone could forget it.
I know someday things will be all right and hopefully my family drama will die down and the people I love will stop harming themselves. I know this wont be anytime soon, but I need to make it through on my own terms and just take my days moment by moment so I can bare them. Knowing that each bad day is followed by a better one is a comfort.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Response To "A Difference in Life & School"
I agree with Cameron, with age comes responsibility. He discusses how it is difficult to manage his time and how school is starting to get harder. I know exactly how he feels. I am trying to get my life as an adult started while I am juggling school, dance and a diminishing social life. I don't necessarily miss my social life, aside from the fact I can't really keep it alive because I'm just to busy for it, and I do still talk to the people I care about, but I can't help missing my freedom. I think that is the hardest transition between childhood and adulthood. From a very young age most everyone knows that sometime in their lives they will have to experience responsibility and figure out how they want to live their lives.
That is probably one of the hardest things in life, figuring out how one is to live their life. At this stage in my life I'm thinking about what college I want to go to and how I'm going to get there. I never could have imagined how many factors go into deciding what road I want to take in life. I kind of feel how Cameron does when he said, "To me it felt like I was sailing through it with out any obstacles in my way. All of a sudden, I am realizing that life is not so simple. As I am getting older, I am realizing the responsibilities I have are way more serious. No one is here to tell me to do my homework, or to make sure that I study for my tests...At first, I felt like ASTI was a walk in the park...Now things are kicking into gear and finally getting interesting."
I'm kind of worried about my future, not because I think I'm going to fail in life or something I'm just worried for all the choices I will have to make. I know that it's a part of life to make mistakes and learn from them, but how will I know which mistakes are irreversible and which ones will be okay to make? I'm not afraid of the irreversible ones but it has to have some affect on the out come of my life. I am kind afraid of what my future holds because I have no idea what to expect, but I am excited to get my life started as an independent adult.
That is probably one of the hardest things in life, figuring out how one is to live their life. At this stage in my life I'm thinking about what college I want to go to and how I'm going to get there. I never could have imagined how many factors go into deciding what road I want to take in life. I kind of feel how Cameron does when he said, "To me it felt like I was sailing through it with out any obstacles in my way. All of a sudden, I am realizing that life is not so simple. As I am getting older, I am realizing the responsibilities I have are way more serious. No one is here to tell me to do my homework, or to make sure that I study for my tests...At first, I felt like ASTI was a walk in the park...Now things are kicking into gear and finally getting interesting."
I'm kind of worried about my future, not because I think I'm going to fail in life or something I'm just worried for all the choices I will have to make. I know that it's a part of life to make mistakes and learn from them, but how will I know which mistakes are irreversible and which ones will be okay to make? I'm not afraid of the irreversible ones but it has to have some affect on the out come of my life. I am kind afraid of what my future holds because I have no idea what to expect, but I am excited to get my life started as an independent adult.
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